The 'Boundary Bootcamp' Method

A couple months ago my son was crying out for boundaries.
He was aggressive, difficult with transitions, yelling, defiant, all of it - all the time.

So I implemented something into my mothering that has been so supportive, for both myself and my child. I jokingly referred to it on the recent IG live I did with Nicole @theseedofjoy_ as “the boundary bootcamp method." I'm not sold on the name, but listeners took to it in the comments so here we are.

It first took a shift in energy for me…
A remembering that my child’s behavior is a reflection of myself & my parenting.
That shifting these dynamics doesn’t need to be hard or overwhelming.
This can be simple and done in love and connection.

It required me to quit permissive parenting and required 100% follow through.

// THE “METHOD” //

At first act of inappropriate yelling, whining, hitting, etc. I picked him up and physically removed him from wherever we were, and brought him to the bedroom. If we were in public, we would get in the car and leave. No drama. No negotiating. Just swoop him up and move.

He would be upset and I would stay calm. Remaining calm is possible when you set the boundary in the moment, before you’ve been “pushed” too far.

I am present and available, yet firm and clear. This is where the mindset shift is monumental! Shifting from “my child is suffering and I am causing rupture” TO “my child is safe and this is actually totally okay - all of it!”

Once he calmed down and returned to social interaction with me, I knew his nervous system had successfully co-regulated with mine. We hug, we laugh, we talk about it, and we carry on with our day.

When I first began practicing this with my son, I’d say for the first 3 days — we were going into the room probably 10-12 times a day for 5-10 minutes at a time. There were some big, big upsets and emotional meltdowns. It was a lot. I won’t lie to you.

But I held the pose.
I trusted the process.
I held the space.
I embodied safety, presence, and groundedness.
I breathed through it as I held him AND myself.

(I want to note, too, that it’s important to make sure our children fed & rested — if they’re hungry or tired, it obviously is going to make things much more intense and make it harder to fully regulate. So check on that first and always have snacks!)

SOME WAYS I HELP MY SON RESOURCE (Same tools I use for myself and my clients BTW)

• Naming and validating the emotion he's experiencing

•  Getting outside for some fresh air & grounding in nature 

•  Breathing with him (when he’s calmed down enough to meet me there)

•  Asking him what he sees & having him orient to his surroundings 

• Noticing what's supporting him, like the most bed, the textures on the blanket

Having resources is one of the greatest tools for regulation. Resourcing is the practice of inviting our mind and body to attune to safety. For example, looking around and noticing leaves falling and seeing what happens internally as you do that will lift you out of your inner landscape and offer an opportunity to reorient and attune to safety. By having these touchstone moments of a felt sense of “okayness,” teaches our nervous systems that it can experience overwhelm and then return to calmness. 

When we practice this with our nervous system - rising into overwhelm and then traverse down to safety through resourcing, our nervous system begins to operate optimally. I refer to this up-regulation / down-regulation cycle as the "rhythm of life". All of life is apart of a cycle of expanding and contracting, practicing this within our own systems offers a sense of trust and acceptance for life.

We are all wired for the "rhythm of life", our body recognizes it instantly. It's incredible to observe this in children. I have watched my child and others quickly find their place in this rhythm ands incorporate the resourcing practices all on their own.

For example, just this morning as I was wrapping up this blog, my son wanted to take a bath. I left him know I needed a few minutes, he didn't like that answer and started pushing against me with his feet. I asked him to stop and he continued. I let him know if he did it again, there would not be a bath and he did it again. So, no bath. He cried a bit as I sat there with him. He found his way next to me cuddled up. I acknowledged his sadness and all on his own, he began to take intentionally deep breaths. He then told me what happened in his words showing that he understood his actions and consequences, he apologized, and then asked to do a puzzle together. This is the perfect example of nervous system regulation! Overwhelm - co-regulation through tough - resourcing through breathing - return to social engagement and connection (ventral vagal).

This was not our norm a few months ago, but now it is!

By day 4 - we were in there maybe once or twice a day for just a couple minutes at a time. 

His system had learned how to regulate, how to settle, and how to return to an energetic neutral.

He learned that it wasn’t scary to be brought to the room.

He realized that *no* he was not in danger; that no love was being withdrawn.

His system was learning, in real time, how to settle on its own and how to trust what he was feeling & experiencing.

Understanding the clear expectations and boundaries in our relationship and home gave him more space to explore, to experience joy, and to receive more LIFE because he wasn’t busy trying to figure out his place anymore.

Mothers, the more that YOU trust that sense of safety in your own body, the more you get to trust that that safety is alive and well for your child. Children can NOT receive what they want, and still feel safe.

The major shift (and key to more peace and freedom in our parenting) is holding enough safety in our own bodies that we can truly TRUST that it’s enough for our children — rather than watching them be upset and immediately being like “do you feel abandoned?” and sending both parties into a spiral.

Our children’s nervous systems can regulate quickly because that’s how they’re designed. They’re looking to us. They’re feeding off of our own nervous system regulation (or lack thereof). They’re scanning the room and trying to learn their place.

It’s our responsibility to EMBODY these boundaries and this sense of safety so they’re able to mirror that, and they’re able to learn how to embody it within themselves.

If you’re wanting to go deeper into the exploration, practice, and integration of these philosophies — I invite you to check out my friend Nicole @theseedofjoy_ 7-week program, ‘Rooted’. It’s a program I fully believe in & I will be guest teaching as well. It’s what was birthed organically from our conversations around mothering with each other, and with many of you.

Click here to learn more.
And feel free to message me on Instagram @webofgrace if you have any questions at all.

And if you’re not interested in group work but are wanting to explore these concepts in your own life & mothering — book a connection call to learn more (CLICK HERE for my schedule) about my 1:1 packages and how we can walk this path together more intimately there. Would love to meet you in the depths of your mothering and hold space for you as you hold your little ones too. x